Will Kate, or won't they...? A Half-Poem in Celebration of the Dolls I Made in Celebration of Prince William, His Royal Wedding to Miss Catherine Middleton, etc etc.

[Said in my best reporter's voice] 

Will and Kate have finally emerged to face the Sock 'N' Soul public after a long journey, during which time they've been searched, examined, measured, pricked, prodded, nipped, tucked, plucked, darned, stuffed, gathered, sealed, dressed, undressed, redressed, picked, unpicked, tied, belted, bound, chained, branded, grabbed, dabbed, manhandled, womanhandled, flashed and photographed...

[*gasp for breath*]

And now they'll be listed, auctioned, and *hopefully* bought and shipped off! *phew*


If you didn't know better, you might think I was making a pair of airline passengers, surgery patients...criminals? Or maybe livestock...or horticultural produce...

*WOW, loads more ideas for new Sock 'N' Souls 

Just like that! I'm on a sock 'n' roll!!!* 

[Ahem, hem...ok, I'll be serious now...] 

Telling my tale as more would see fit:

That's no way to treat royalty, is it? 

Behind all the glamour and paparazzi, 

A royal's life is surely not a bed of purple sprouting broccoli.

Bed of brassicas, all wrapped up warm & comfy in an eggy blankie...
Which being royalty is not. No sirree!
(Thanks for loan of pic, UKTV)

There's no lack of pictures online of Prince and his 

Middleton miss, which is just as well, 

'Cos I wanted to give them my own little twist.

So media stalking aside, I thought that was swell!

Over 20 photos were saved during this while 

To make sure I knew plenty about their style 

Before settling on Will's RAF ceremonial dress 

(What he's supposedly getting wed in) 

And Kate's engagement dress, her best 

(Who knows what she's getting wed in??)

Recognisability is the thing, 

Said I. Wherein I'll capture the soul of the future King!

When two and two become one (Pics from all over)

Although mathematicians would say this is FOUR. 

Which is the number of bodies 

(Sock! not airline passengers) littered on my stage. 

That bit's a bore, so I'll leave it off this page.

But lesson learnt, from a number of follies

Don't be too clever. 

When trying to make them better than ever.

At first, I thought Will and Kate would like pert bums,

They are, after all, very best chums!

 Butt al-arse! It was not to be...

They make Sock 'N' Souljas topple, unfortunately.

'This cotton makes a nice bottom!', thought Kate

So (like always) I stuck a heel in their fronts. 

One of my customers had commented, 'Perchance,

This made his soulja's crotch 

Look rather butch', but hey! 

I don't think William would perceive me cruel,

Plus his stiffened suit would hide the crown jewel(s) 

- for politeness's sake. And I knew Kate's dress 

Would look great if I gave her breasts.

So with that, she and I kissed and made up,

All because I sewed her a loving cup.

She kicked her high heels, exclaimed HURRAH!

But thankfully declined when I offered her a bra.

The crown jewels & Kate's best dress

While we're on the subject of their bling,

They're also adorned with many a glittering thing. 

Will's badge, his medal, Kate's necklace, and, of course, THAT ring! 

How befitting of a would-be queen and king.

THAT ring.

Blue crystal diamante, instead of sapphire

Around it, studded with knotted thread all silver

Her necklace... it has the same stone really,

It's just a guess, I couldn't see the pic too clearly.

There's something special inside them too

Which makes them have, un-have, unhold and hold

How does it work? Buy them, if I may be bold

It's brilliant, that's true! Works better than glue!

To have and to hold

How long all this took, I couldn't say

Stamped on one receipt is 19th March, 

That's back three weeks away!

For the Lycra and suiting minus starch.

They're now on eBay, here is the listing, 

Check 'em out, I say! No use resisting...

All proceeds to the British Red Cross

Who'll help people whose lives and homes are lost.

Alright, yes, I know, 

At £300, the price ain't low.

But it means a sum of more wealth 

Than I can afford to donate myself.

Who wants them? Please bid, someone say 'I do!'

I mean, aside from the Royal Wedding two

(Although, wouldn't it be great, oh, my joy wouldn't quell
If William and Kate wanted some as well!)

Kate: [whispers] I need to get ready, let's not be late...
Will: [in a very posh voice] First, come, and kiss me Kate! 

So, all you collectors of everything

Right royal. Plates, mugs, etc., for dining.

Don't be churlish, give this a twirl!

You and I could make ours a much nicer world.

For everyone else, who's not into royalty

That's fair enough, but would you please help me?

Repost this, forward it, link, tweet or Facebook

To ask people out there to go take a look?

Many thanks in advance;

For your help and support!

I hope it's not too much trouble,

It'll really help the guys going through that rubble...

There's a jolly good chance

With all this rapport, 

That soon, parts of Japan can 

Make their living from kelp once again.

Postscript: 

By the way, while I'm here, this girl I knew from school

Called Pari. Has been doing something really cool

She's collecting photos from the Japan disaster,

You can view them here, don't think y'ave to ask her.

Not a pretty picture today...

News of natural disasters all over the world seem to have quietened down recently, and, after a slew of articles, Facebook updates, tweets, and video-sharing – especially from tech-savvy Japan) of how the earthquakes and tsunamis have affected people on the ground, now I’ve only got my profile picbadge on FB as a reminder that Japan ever had a tsunami.

Just imagine…

Friend: ‘Wow, what a lovely beachfront home you have! It must be soothing to hear the waves crashing upon the shore…’

Owner (proudly): ‘Yes, we saved for many years to move here. It’s been a huge sacrifice, but worthwhile.’

Along comes a wave.

Tsunami: ‘ARHM…..gulp!’

Spits out debris.

And what about quake-hit Haiti, China, New Zealand, Myanmar and Thailand? Floods in Brisbane, etc etc… Does anyone know of an ‘Act for our world’ picbadge??

It’s impossible to describe the impact of all those disasters here, and what do I know anyway? Typing away in my comfy little study, knowing that everyone I care about is safe...

The closest I’ve come to flooding was when the ceiling in my bedroom collapsed many years ago. My family and I got home to find rainwater gushing down the stairs like whitewater rapids. I can’t recall how we got all that water out, but I guess it was a case of opening all the doors, mopping and wringing frantically to help things along a bit. There was quite a long process of trying to save what we could – I remember fanning out pages of exercise books to dry them out and sorting through sodden clothes to save those that were still ok – which we did over several days after work or school.

It felt bad enough at the time, but I’d nearly forgotten about it, so it can’t have been that terrible. Multiply those days spent cleaning up to months or years, recall the sadness when anyone I’ve ever loved has died, and that might get me just a little closer to understanding how the Japanese and other disaster-stricken people have felt lately.

Everything they had before suddenly counts for nothing, with families, homes and jobs lost. This is the ultimate reminder that nature is a great leveller, but, despite the tragedies, it is heartening to see and hear about people coming together to overcome hardship. 

It’s difficult to conceive of this magnitude without generalising everything to the point where it feels as unreal as some Hollywood disaster movie. I must admit that I probably wouldn’t be moved to do anything if not for the many pictures of individuals...parents, spouses, someone's best friend, uncle, niece or child, trying to place where their homes once stood and grieving for their lost ones.

It’s inspired me to think of how I could help, and this is the best I've come up with:

I’d been working on a pair of William and Kate dolls to commemorate the Royal Wedding. At first, I saw this as a way to stretch myself, and see how well I could represent one of the most internationally recognised couples. Now I hope that publicity generated by the most widely broadcasted event this year can help raise funds for people who could really use it.

So when Will and Kate are ready in the next few days, they’ll be listed on an eBay auction in the run-up to April 29^th. I hope to have some more affordable cards made for sale too, so anyone can contribute, whatever your budget.

All proceeds from these sales will go towards disaster relief. I’ll post a receipt on my website and Facebook page afterwards so you can check back and see where the money’s gone. So please help as much as you can. Bid on my dolls if you like them, buy a card, tell everyone you know and send them a link, especially anyone you know who collects Royal memorabilia.

Oh, and here’s another thing…

I must admit that I’ve become quite cynical of charities lately. I have so many doubts. How do I know that the money helps those who really need it? How much of my money will get to them? There’re so many charities these days, are they for real or are people just taking advantage of some loophole in the law? Our phone rings several times a day, always from some charity I’d never heard of, asking if I wouldn’t like to bring some joy to a child / elderly person / refugee / insert other pitiful image for only £2 a month / only a one-off £8 … you get the idea. When I stopped picking up in the day, they starting phoning at night or came knocking on our door. It makes me think a charity is just another commercial enterprise, and their sales reps are even more annoying and harder to get rid of because their pitch is designed to manipulate you into feeling like a selfish, heartless wretch. 

So many people I know are also publicising their own charitable endeavours. I think it’s great to support them, and if my friends think a cause is worthwhile, then I like to trust their judgement. But £5 or £10 here and there can quickly eat into your own budget.

When someone recently blogged this article, 'Don't donate money to Japan' , I understood the writer’s point immediately and believe it would hit a nerve with many of you before you’d even read it. So I wouldn’t be surprised if you are also feeling a bit jaded and have got those filters on.

I'm sure most people wish to help in any way they can. I do too, but not without knowing that it’ll go to the right people. I don’t think buying a Big Issue from my local seller goes very far, but at least it helps her directly. Donating unused items to charity isn’t much of a sacrifice either, but the shops ask for them, so why not. I’m very uncomfortable with the knowledge that well-meant donations might be spent on costly marketing campaigns, over-generous salaries, exploitative reimbursement claims or commissions for persistent cold-callers I mean, why else would someone tolerate countless refusals all day long? How many of the best marketing executives would work at a charity for less? How much of it goes on snazzy posters and 'branding'?

I know we need to make a balanced judgement on these matters, so I hope I’ve not been too cynical there. I’d be over the moon for you to post a link to any sincere articles or provide information that help answer these questions. Your donations will go to the Red Cross, as I hope they’ll allocate the funds to whoever needs it most, but please chime in if you think you can help me make a more informed choice.

Thank you for your support.